HA-Hailey

Hi my name is Hailey. Here are some things about me. grade:6 best holiday: Queensland birth month: June career: work at the RSPCA (royal soceity of prevention of cruelty to animals) Favourite song: most songs favourite lolly:chocolate favourite food:pizza pets: a cat and budgie

‘yes were finally going somewhere good.’ Natalie said. I may have gone to Luna park before but there’s nowhere better to go. When we finally got there I wanted to go on the ghost train first. So I rushed over to the long line for the ghost train. My parents must have gone on a different ride because they hated ghost rides. I jumped on to the cart and the ride started. But the ride suddenly shutdown! I pushed the front door of the ride and everyone was crushed apart from me. I tried to lift things but they were just to heavy. I finally found my crushed parents. And didn’t know what to do. A man walked towards me and said ‘my bad’ the man was the person that owned the place. ‘Why did you do that’! I yelled. ‘Because of 10 terrorists that got in I got all of them except one.’ I decided to squash the last one. But how was I going to do it? Wait a minute there’s a new giant bowling ball ride I can use that. So I waited for the man to go under the ride then I pushed with all my might and it crashed on him. The man that owned Luna Park thanked me and said that he would adopt me since my parents got crushed. THE End.

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?)

The plot of your story was very original, although it was hard to understand because of many grammatical errors.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

The story went too fast and it jumped from scene to scene. We didn't feel any suspense, for there was almost no detail. We were interested in the story but we lost the plot because of grammatical errors. The climax was not as satisfying as we would like, for the main character didn't show enough emotion about the situation. Some sentences were "run-on" sentences, meaning they told too many ideas in one sentence, and they should have been broken up with commas or periods. The resolution was too abrupt and sudden, but we enjoyed the idea of her getting adopted at the end.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

The characters weren't explained in detail, so we couldn't picture them in our minds. There were almost no characteristics of the people, and there wasn't enough dialogue to understand their personality. We could see, however, that the main character was brave because she beat the terrorists and didn't let her fear get the best of her. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story?

As we commented previously, there was not enough detail describing each character. If you added some description the story would be much more enjoyable. 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement?

The grammatical errors and the character descriptions were lacking, and the main plot was a "tad bit" gruesome and frightening. We would suggest that you read the story out loud to a student in your class and see what they would recommend, or you could read it over to yourself and see what you would change. We hope this helped you in your story making, and we know you'll improve tremendously! :) (The story was very creative, and we could tell you really thought about the plot of the story!)

From: SMSGroup 13

Saint Michael School
1. On the level of story-telling: if you were the King (or the aliens), would you allow this story-teller to live another day? If no,why not?

2. Be specific, try not to merely write, " this was good", instead explain what was good about it and why.

3. Nominate "Hall of Fame" stories.