HA-Annmaree

“Hey stupid! Yo Fatso! We’re talking to you!” Some kids said as they chased me around the school yard. I didn’t like them chasing me I didn’t know what to do about them. I feel like the teachers don’t care about me but they would help them if I was doing it to them. “Stop running away from us or else” said the leader of that group. I slowed down to a walking rate all I did was turned to them to see what the wanted. I saw one of the kids pick up a rock and walked behind me. I turned “Can you please not throw that rock at me” I asked nicely but he wouldn’t listen to me so he just threw it at me. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t because they made a circle around me so I had no where to go. A teacher walked past “Mrs Murnane” I yelled I know that she heard me but she walked away. I pushed my way through the circle and ran away. I didn’t know where to go so I ran in to the smelly toilets, locked myself in a cubical. One of the girls that where is the group followed me into the toilets “Annmaree are you ok because I am very sorry about before and I didn’t want to be apart of the group but they said that you called me a mean name and I just want to know if you said that or not” said Sharna (bystander). I opened the door and walked out “no I didn’t say anything about you and why would I, all I wanted to do was be friends with all of you girls” I said very calmly. Sharna looked really confused but she understood how it was for me at school. “Ok so she didn’t care if you did but I just asked if you did” Sharna said as if she was going to be friends with me. “Can you please be my friend and will you henge around me” I said. Sharna grabbed my little hand “come with me and I will be your friend, by the end of the year you will have a lot of friends please trust me” Sharna said in a very kind voice. So I followed Sharna she took me to the library and she walked up to Mrs Matters and asked for a packet of cards. Mrs Matters gave Sharna a packet then we went to a table to play a game. “What card games do you know well how to play” asked Sharna. I had to think for a little while then I came up with a few games. “Well I play solitaire, snap and war but that is about it” I said after I had to think about my answer. “Would you like to learn a new game” Sharna asked. “Yes I would like to learn a new game” I said in excitement. “Hay Sharna would you like to come to my birthday party” I asked. “I will have to talk to my mum about it and ask her” she said it like she mightn’t be allowed to come. Sharna and I walk to our lockers grabbed our books walked to class. I sat next to Sharna then she moved and sat on her own so I had to sit on my own. I feel like I have said something that she didn’t like or did something. But I don’t know I try to talk to her but she just ignores me. I somebody in my locker and it was Sharna their was a note their that said: //I am sorry that I am ignoring you but there is a massive reason why. I will tell you but please don’t be mad at me or anybody else ok here it goes. I asked my mum if I can go to your birthday party but she said NO and that you sound like a nice girl but I shouldn’t henge around you anymore. So I am writing you this letter so that she doesn’t know what I am doing to stay in contact with you. We can still be friends but we have to write to each other and text but that is about it. Bye for now.// I was so sad when I read that I wanted to write back I wanted to wait till I felt like the time was right. We became friends again and Sharna came to my party we had a lot of fun. The end

**Starting May 1st (2008):** 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) LMSgroup10: It was more of an adaptation, but it was creative and interesting. I found myself a little confused at some points, for example what happened at the two girls card game. This would be a good summary of a book, but if you were telling a full story, then a little more background information would be needed. All in all, the story was very deep, unique, and fun to read, thats all that matters.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? LMSgroup10: I thought that the problem was interesting, I wanted to know what happened next and had to keep reading. As I kept reading I thought that the problem could use a bit more explaining, but a good explanation of what was wrong. The resolution confused me. When I read the line, " I was so sad when I read that I wanted to write back I wanted to wait till I felt like the time was right." I thought that they wouldn't speak to each other for a long time, it was sad, but it was a twist to the old, "And they all lived happily ever after," method. Then I read, " We became friends again and Sharna came to my party we had a lot of fun," I was confused, thinking that you wrote two different endings. However, you had very good and original ideas that drew me into your story.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? LMSgroup10: The display of characterization was excellent, I knew how each of the characters felt and how they acted. I thought that the two friend made a good pair and flowed nicely. Each emotion was displayed by a life-like action that was in no way unreal. I wouldn't have a hard time believing this if it were a true story.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? LMSgroup10: Not much description was needed to explain the main points in your story, but it was important not to do too little or too much description. You put your explanation right where it needed to be, I could visualize everything that was going on in the story, and could easily picture it happening at a familiar place or area.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? LMSgroup10: The way the story was told made it rather confusing to understand the story. It is important that you don't explain minor details in the story too much, but too little information can lead to confusion, for example the card game scene or the bathroom scene. A type of story like this needs more content, not too much, but just the right amount.

1. Punctuation, grammar, word choice. LMSgroup10: The grammar could definitely use some work, improper grammar or missing/misplaced punctuation made me stop thinking about the wonderful plot, and think about the mistake instead. Grammar mistake are like speed bumps, your enjoying your cruise, then you reach a disturbing bump. Although it's not much of a problem, people would much rather ride a smooth road than a bumpy one. Believe it or not, grammar does have an effect on the story line.
 * Starting May 15th (2008):**